DISCLAIMER: I am not a lawyer, sex psychologist, nor am I a life coach; the only “good” advice I know comes from mom and she probably makes most of it up like the rest of the world. Secondly, taking my advice is like accepting a drink from a stranger at a rave: You might wake up in a dark alley with a sore butthole and handcuffed to the dumpster. However, if that’s your thing, be my guest and make sure to let me know how it went. But really, do not take my advice; feel free to pass along my blog and laugh about it. You’ve been warned!
While chatting with my buddy Toph Miller we discussed a blog article from The Smoking Jacket, 10 Tips For Getting Laid At Work. The advice provided is legit, but since we both work for porn, the advice from the article is irrelevant. In fact, the majority of the adult industry works differently than most industries and loves mixing business with pleasure. Which brings me to the topic of today:
How To Get Laid At Work: The X-Rated Version.
“Keep it All Business”
Since working for porn means talking about titties, ass, cock, gangbang, etc; on any given occasion definitely keep it business casual. Now, if you’re out on public there’s a very high likelihood you’ll get kicked out of a restaurant. Don’t fear, for the most part people get a laugh out of such conversations and will most likely join in the conversation. Such discussions are the first step to getting started in what could be an amazing fuck session with your co-worker. Lastly, every time you say “cock”, “pussy” or “trannies,” take a shot.
“Never Use Your Corporate Email”
You’re kidding me, right!? The fastest and most “efficient” way to respond to a naughty email from your co-worker is by using the corporate email. Otherwise, you have to open a new page, log into your personal email, and who has time for that? I do suggest using instant message instead of email to respond, which will expedite your efforts to get laid. If questioned by IT or your boss, just say you where looking for inspiration for a blog (like I am doing now) or tell them you’re doing research (like I do all the time) or tell the truth. I’m sure your boss will understand since he just finished a bukkake session with sexy Stacy over there.
“Plan the First Kiss Offsite”
Personally, I didn’t even bother planning the first kiss; I went straight for the gangbang. The first kiss off-site would be the norm in any other work environment, but in the adult industry kisses are for erotic novels or lesbian scenes. In any case, make sure to have a major make out session right between the boys and girls bathroom. It’s the easiest and most effective way to find a couple of people to join the gangbang (orgy perhaps?) and a place to finish what just started.
“Make Out in the Stairwell”
If you do have a stairwell, make the best use of out it. While I do agree with a hot make out session, the stairs are useful for a other things like a quickie. You may also use the stairwell to hide from your boss and to waste time when not feeling productive. Remember, sharing is caring; make sure to send a bulk email to all your co-workers and tell them of what’s about to happen, Stairwell 10min scissor sister action! Pass on! Before you know it you’ll have 10 peeping toms watching you and sexy Stacy go lesbian (Assuming it’s two girls.) And there’s nothing hotter than watching two girls make out.
“Beware of Inside Jokes”
Life is no fun without inside jokes, so screw it, talk about them and share them out loud. If your co-workers don’t get the joke, then the joke is on them. Anyone that doesn’t get the inside joke wasn’t there for the gangbang and probably has a poo-poo facebecause he/she/it hasn’t gotten laid in weeks unlike the rest of us. Let the jokes continue.
“Don’t Get Drunk at the Office Party”
Ummmm, too late for this one. By now all of us have been there and done that but how about “Don’t do drugs at the office party.” If you do drugs, keep them to the bare minimum; there’s nothing more annoying than having a one-way conversation and listening to someone with vocal diarrhea for hours on end. For those of you who love getting drunk at the office parties ike me, make sure to make a few passes at the boss’ wife. You might end up in the bathroom stall getting a raise.
“Don’t Bang the Boss”
This depends on which side of adult industry you work for: If you’re on the content production side, you’re very likely to fuck the boss on a daily basis. However, for those of us working behind the scenes in adult, I say to you my friend; why not? If you and the boss do throw it down, he/she really can’t fire you. In fact, if you play it right, you might even get a raise and get special treatment. Remember, as an employee you have the upper hand. In any case, do bang the boss but don’t be a douche and start blackmailing him/her. After all, if things go south but you two are amicable you can still get a nice letter of recommendation.
“Plant Disinformation”
Here’s the deal, no one like the chatty Kathy and nosy Rosie. Keep your mouth shut unless you’re asked for information. My advice is to avoid such people that love to start rumors and gossip about other people, unless you want to be part of that crowd. But do know, people like that never ever get invited out for lunch and happy hour; which is the equivalent of being picked last at a game of dodge ball and no one wants to relieve that. Remember, a happy hour invite is the key for the kingdom and the beginning of a great night.
“Have a Change of Clothes at the Office”
I completely agree with this statement. You never know when the panties are going to get ripped off, or if you’ll end up with a DNA sampler splatter across your pants, or if your bra is going to grow legs and walk away. Always have a back up set of underwear and clothing. Lastly, make sure to double check that these aren’t last week’s dirty clothes, which have a dried crusty spot of your DNA and Suzie’s pussy.
“Never Mention the Breakup”
My rule of thumb is: unless you’re getting married; don’t make an announcement that you indeed have a significant other. This goes to say that when dating around the office, never, ever mention you’re dating a co-worker. Let people make whatever assumption they want. If people ask, give them that well known phrase that I overuse the most, We’re just friends. When all is said and done, you two are back to being co-workers. And for all you know, he/she is just another nerd sitting in the cubicle across from you. In fact, the moment you guys do break up, bring in your new fuck buddy to the office picnic; no one will ever know you two had a fling.
Now, go out there and rule the world with these tips. Hopefully by the time 2012 comes around and the world is about to end; you’ve been around the block enough times that dying a virgin is as far from reality as me walking on water in 5-inch heels.
